Both parties—but especially women, given the statistical averages— should be aware that their partner may not be committed to a common future. A long-term cohabiting relationship may prove to be an obstacle, rather than a springboard, to many young people’s goal of getting married and starting a family. [1]

Commitment Before Cohabitation

 Wilcox has a word of caution for young adults who are considering moving in together: Talk about the future and make sure you’re both on the same page. “Defining the commitment in the relationship is a matter best addressed before co-signing a lease,” he wrote. If couples really want to give their relationship a chance to succeed, they have to do the work required. Wilcox wrote:

Couples are more likely to flourish when they share common, clearly communicated goals for their relationship. But given the disparate purposes cohabitation now serves—different people see it variously as a courtship phase, an economical way to save on rent, a venue for convenient sex, a prelude to getting serious, or an alternative to marriage—young adults often end up living with someone who doesn’t share their relational goals. Couples considering living together would be wise to talk through the goals they want to accomplish in that move, and make sure they are on the same page. [1]

Research by psychologists Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades back this up. Citing their research, Wilcox wrote:

Cohabiting couples are in for trouble when they “slide” into cohabitation and then marriage rather than “decide” to take the same steps. …

Women who cohabit prior to engagement are about 40 percent more likely to divorce, compared to those who do not cohabit. By contrast, couples who cohabit after an engagement do not face a higher divorce risk. Those who cohabit only after engagement or marriage also report higher marital quality, not just lower odds of divorce. Stanley and Rhoades think that “sliders” are more likely than “deciders” to cohabit prior to an engagement, and to have trouble in their marriage if they go on to tie the knot. On the other hand, couples who deliberately choose to move in together after a public engagement or wedding are more likely to enjoy the shared commitment that will enable their relationship to last. [1]

Couples who live together without tying the knot are twice as likely to break up compared to those who are married, according to Wilcox. He said, “Marriage is an institution that is surrounded by legal, religious and cultural meanings that people tend to take more seriously.” [2]

Children Suffer in These Unstable Unions

The other dynamic that often comes into play with cohabitating couples is the children produced in these unstable unions. More than half of all births to American women under the age of 30 were to unwed mothers. And two-thirds of all babies born in the United States are to women under 30. Often, the mother is cohabitating at the time she gives birth. [2]

This trend raises serious concerns for the children involved. According to Child Trend’s 2012 report:

There are several reasons to be concerned about the high level of nonmarital childbearing. Couples who have children outside of marriage are younger, less healthy and less educated than are married couples who have children. Children born outside of marriage tend to grow up with limited financial resources, to have less stability in their lives because their parents are more likely to split up and form new unions, and to have cognitive and behavioral problems such as aggression and depression. [2]

Even children living with both unwed biological parents, they are “more likely to be poor and to face multiple risks to their health and development,” the report said. [2]

When biological parents part ways and bring new partners in the picture, this also increases the risks for children, and the statistics are sobering. Citing the Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect, minister Wayne Stocks wrote:

In the instance of physical abuse, children living with a single parent are 3.1 times more likely to be abused at a rate of 5.9 per thousand compared to 1.9 per thousand for married biological parents. Children in “Other Married Parent” families are 5.2 times more likely to be physically abused, and those kids living with a single parent and their cohabiting partner are an astounding 10.1 times more likely to be physically abused than children living with married biological parents. [3]

Marriage is Fundamental for Family Stability

Sociologists and other researchers are clear: Children fare the best when raised by two married, biological parents. Nearly 20 years ago, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—sometimes inadvertently called the Mormon Church—took a stand on marriage and family relations in The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

… Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. … Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.

Elder Russell M. Nelson, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles—with the First Presidency, the governing body of The Church of Jesus Christ—said:

The family is the most important social unit in time and in eternity. Under God’s great plan of happiness, families can be sealed in temples and be prepared to return to dwell in His holy presence forever. That is eternal life! It fulfills the deepest longings of the human soul—the natural yearning for endless association with beloved members of one’s family. [4]

The late Gordon B. Hinckley, then-president of The Church of Jesus Christ, said:

A nation will rise no higher than the strength of its homes. If you want to reform a nation, you begin with families, with parents who teach their children principles and values that are positive and affirmative and will lead them to worthwhile endeavors. [5]

Mormon temple marriage

In Mormon temples, we marry for eternity. We also make covenants to God that we will obey him for eternity. Marriage relationships compare easily to our relationships with God. In a marriage, love cannot thrive where there is no work. Married couples need to serve each other, do things together, work hard for the good of their family, and spend time in working to understand each other. Marriage relationships need to be nourished from the inside by unselfishness and willingness to listen to the other partner. Marriages do not survive without our watchful care.

Temple covenants with God need care, like a temple marriage

Just like some newlywed couples, we sometimes expect our relationship with God to be perfect, and for everything to keep itself up. We love him, after all. But we can’t expect “love” to carry the relationship through for us. God is perfect, and his love will always hold up his end of the bargain-he has already atoned for our sins and still does continually bless us. Our love, however, does not survive without hard work. We need to work with the Lord to serve his Church. We need to serve others with the aid of the Lord. We need to nourish our relationship with God by listening to him, being unselfish in our personal wants, and talking to him.

Even when one half of the relationship is being held up by Deity, we need to constantly watch and care for the bond. If we don’t, it may fail. This relationship is too important to let fall, and it is never the other party’s fault. We can tell ourselves we are too busy, too tired, or too mad to do our part to keep the relationship. People every day do it in their marriages, and we see the results in a high divorce rate. We cannot afford to not reach out, work, and listen unselfishly in our relationships, either with God or with our spouses.

Keeping temple covenants is the key to marriage relationships and relationships with God

As couples work hard to keep their marriages alive, they grow to love one another. Working together and serving each other have that amazing effect. In the same way, we can learn to love God more and know him more when we work with him and serve him. Keeping temple covenants is the key to upholding our end of the relationship, both with God and with our spouses. The spiritual strength that comes from obeying God has great power to heal marriages. Whether the relationship is with an imperfect, sometimes irresponsible, occasionally annoying mortal or with a perfect, loving Father in Heaven, we must do our all to hold up the relationship. Your relationships will always be your responsibility, and you have the power to keep them.

“As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.” (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Ensign, Jun 2006, 86)

We have to do things in marriage that can be hard: serving each other, sharing life experiences (life can be difficult), uniting different natures, and keeping covenants. Everyone has struggles in doing these things, but these struggles help us grow closer to the Lord. The hard times and the strength we build to overcome them with the Lord are what bring the happiness and fulfillment God promises.

A temple marriage gives a couple covenants to keep that are goals for each of them in the marriage. As couples keep promises to the Lord, they will also keep promises to each other. God’s commandments are meant to bring people together, especially in marriages, and if we obey God, we can treat those around us the way Jesus would. In a marriage, there are many things that can divide the attention and devotion of either partner, whether it be a car, a job, some worldly goal, or another person, these things pull marriages apart. When couples let their devotion to each other only be partnered with a devotion to God, they grow closer together.

During the hard times, it is sometimes easier to turn to something outside of the marriage for help, comfort, or distraction. The only thing we can turn to that will help the family and the marriage is the Lord. He can help us heal and turn back to our marriages and families with love, growing closer to them by growing closer to him. Our marriages and families are what truly bring us happiness, both in this life and in the eternities. The Lord wants us to have that happiness, and he does everything to help us reach it. He gives us temple ordinances that unite families for eternity, and if we turn to him, he can give us the strength we need to keep marriages strong and families together.

The Mormon Prophet has told women that we can be blessed by Heavenly Father if we “support, sustain, uphold, and bless” our husbands. Women have an amazing power to influence and build up those around them, and it is the duty of women to use that powerful influence to encourage our families to choose the right.

It may seem like a lot for the Mormon Church to ask women to constantly lift up children and support husbands, but the blessings of that service are amazing. When we reach out to others to lift them up and help them on the right path, we can forget our own problems. The Lord has limitless power to help each of us with our own problems, and as we do his work by supporting our families in righteousness, he will do the work we cannot do by relieving some of the burden of our problems.

Jesus Christ has said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Sustaining our families is truly taking upon us the yoke of Christ; by doing so we can leave behind our own burdens. Not only do we then bear a light burden, but our burden is to be a light to others-an example of Christ and a help to those in need. As women, we are divinely designed by God to be nurturing, supportive, sensitive, and uplifting to those around us, and that influence is so badly needed in the family. In a world where children are pressured to pick up damaging habits, a world where men are undervalued and often scorned, wives and mothers have the power to overshadow these influences in the lives of their husbands and children. Even when husbands may not seem deserving of kindness, support, and outreach, women can leave the door open for their change and betterment.

We come to this earth charged with a mission: to learn to love and serve one another. To best help us accomplish this, God has placed us in families, for he knows that is where we can best learn to overcome selfishness and pride and to sacrifice for others and to make happiness and helpfulness and humility and love the very essence of our character. (John H. Groberg, “The Power of Family Prayer,” Ensign, May 1982, 50)

Sometimes we learn humility and gratitude when spouses or children give selflessly, but it seems that we are more often required to meet the needs of others. Mormons are encouraged to accept family responsibilities. While there are trials to family life, there is also great and deep joy. Our Heavenly Father knows each of us, and he gave us families not only because he knew that they would be the best for helping us grow up, but also because he knew that we could help these family members in ways nobody else can.

Like a math textbook, families are full of problems-and none of them are easy. Some problems seem tedious, some require knowledge of difficult concepts, and others seem out of our hands. But family problems, like math problems, are designed to help us learn. By reading the scriptures, including the Book of Mormon, we learn ways to be more like Christ; we then turn to the “homework pages”: our families. The knowledge of how to act is crucial, but not as crucial as the actions themselves in our learning and growth.

There are certain myths that are prevalent among people in our society and even in the Church that can mislead our decisions.
This interesting list of myths about preparing for marriage is found in Jeffry Larson’s book, “Should we stay together”.

Myth #1: There is only one right person in the world for you to marry.
Reality: There are several individuals to whom you could be happily married.

Myth #2: Until a person finds the perfect person to marry, he or she should not be satisfied.
Reality: No one is perfect.

Myth #3: You should feel totally competent as a future spouse before you decide to get married.
Reality: A person should feel competent to be a spouse, though some feelings of anxiety are natural.

Myth #4: You should be happy with anyone you choose to marry if you try hard enough.
Reality: It takes two mature and well-adjusted individuals to make a marriage work, so one needs to be reasonably sensitive and selective in the choice of a mate.

Myth #5: You should choose someone to marry whose personal characteristics are opposite from your own.
Reality: A person should choose someone to marry whose personal characteristics are similar to his or her own.

Myth #6: Being in love with someone is sufficient reason to marry that person.
Reality: Although romantic love is important, especially in the early stage of a relationship, other factors are equally or more important to marital satisfaction and should be considered before marriage.

Myth #7: Choosing someone to marry is a “decision of the heart.”
Reality: Choosing someone to marry is decision of the heart and the head.

Myth #8: Living together will prepare you for marriage and improve your chances of being happily married.
Reality: Cohabitation may help us get to know each other better, but will not serve as a trial marriage or increase our chances of being happily married.

Myth #9: Choosing a mate should be easy.
Reality: Choosing a mate is not easy; the decision should be carefully thought out.

Myth #10: Preparing for marriage “just comes naturally.”
Reality: Preparing for marriage is learned and is based on sound information and personal assessment.

These myths and interpretations can be found in Jeffry Larson’s book, “Should we stay together”. Larson, J. H. (2000). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass (pp. 3-12).