A mother has written of beginning her life as a parent with a large stack of parenting books on hand. One day, her first baby was not responding to her parenting techniques as the books had promised she would. Frustrated, the mother called her own mother and explained what the baby was doing, what the books had said to do, and how her child had responded. She asked what she was doing wrong. Her wise mother said, “Maybe it’s because the baby hasn’t read the parenting book and doesn’t know that’s how she was supposed to respond.”
Parenting books can be valuable resources when they’re only used as resources and not unchangeable recipes. They are an excellent ways to gather ideas and to learn what has worked for others. However, no parenting book can tell you exactly how to raise your child, because each child is unique and must be parented in a manner that is appropriate for that child.
For instance a parent may have three very different children who sometimes lose their tempers. One child may have a need to work off the powerful emotions that arise during anger, so the parents send him into the yard to mow the lawn. Later, when he’s calm, they’ll talk to him about appropriate ways to express and deal with anger, including helping him to see he can choose to do physical labor before expressing his feelings, in order to stay in control. Another child is quieter by nature and may only need to calm down. Her parents might send her to her room to read a favorite book for a short time before talking to her about what upset her and how to handle it. A third child may fire up quickly, and calm down equally quickly, followed by profound feelings of guilt for losing control. This child might be able to be talked to in a soothing way immediately.
In each case, the anger is dealt with and the child is taught how to approach feelings of anger appropriately for his or her own personality. Various parenting books might suggest each of these methods, but only a wise and thoughtful parent will be able to select the best method to use for a given child. Once they understand how to best help their own children, they can then train the children to use that knowledge to help themselves.
Personalized parenting requires more effort on the part of a parent than does simply following a parenting book as if it were a formula. In order for the system to work, the parents must spend a great deal of time with each child, getting to know his personality and monitoring what methods work for him. It requires experimentation to find the best solution to parenting challenges.
As you watch your children, notice how they control themselves when faced with strong emotions. This will often give you clues as to how to teach them to handle their emotions. Notice how they respond when you select a method for helping your child achieve something. When a child misbehaves, notice the impact your chosen method of discipline has on the child.
Consistency is important in training children, so even though you will be doing some experimenting, use similar approaches. If a method is clearly not working, sit down with your child, if he’s old enough, and talk to him about why you’ll be changing your method. Explain to him what you will be doing and why you’re doing it. Punishments should not generally be chosen spontaneously, as your own emotions might cloud your judgment.
If you have multiple children, make certain your choices, although they might differ, are fair. The above-mentioned child who must mow the lawn would not be given an extra chore. Instead, he would be sent to do one of his regular chores. “This would be a good time for you to mow the lawn, instead of waiting until tomorrow. While you’re doing it, try to relax, and then we’ll talk about what’s bothering you.”
Personalized parenting extends to all aspects of parenting. Whether you’re deciding the best way to teach a child to do something new, helping him learn to read, or encouraging religious faith, the task must always be approached in a personal way.
Following are some of the steps required to carry out personalized parenting:
- 1. Observe your child’s behavior when he is making his own choices. Does he transition well from one activity to another, or does he need to take a break between tasks? How does he manage his emotions? How does he solve a problem? Try to find patterns in his behavior that can help you make choices.
- 2. Pay attention to his personality. A very sensitive child needs to be handled differently than a child who takes correction casually. A methodical child must be taught differently than a spontaneous child. Try to choose a parenting method that fits with his personality.
- 3. Using what you learn, teach your child to take into consideration his own personality when making decisions on how to do things.
- 4. Allow older children to participate in the decisions. For instance, he might know how he best does homework. If his ideas are sensible, allow him to try things his own way for a while.
- 5. Don’t alter standards, only methods. A child must do his chores-that’s a standard. When he does them or how he does them are methods, and can be altered.
Try your hand at solving this problem:
Jason and Maria are very organized, scheduled, and self-disciplined. They want their children to be the same way. When the children get home from school, they’re expected to immediately do their homework and then their chores. They also have to read for a half hour. After those things are done, they may play until dinner. This is how the parents conduct their own lives. This plan works for two of the children, but the third, Alexander, can’t seem to get the hang of it. When he gets home, he sits down to do his homework, but he fidgets, stalls, and annoys his siblings. His parents feel something must change.
What would you do?
The standard: Children must learn to meet their responsibilities before they play. All responsibilities must be complete prior to dinner time.
The current method: Homework, then chores, then reading, and finally play.
The observation stage: After observing how Alexander manages his own time, they notice he is generally unable to sit for long periods of time. He usually takes a little time to just do nothing between tasks, suggesting difficulty in transitioning. Since he rides home from school in a car, they think he may need to move for a while when he gets home.
The problem-solving stage: They show all three children the list of things that must be done before dinner. Playing still has to be last. They tell the children they may organize the remaining items in any order they choose, and they may have a ten minute break between each activity. They warn the children that if it doesn’t work after a fair trial, they’ll return to choosing the order. They meet with the children individually to help them work out a schedule, and then meet with them again a week later to evaluate how the schedule is working and whether it needs to be adjusted. When meeting with Alexander, they share what they’ve noticed and ask if he has a solution. They discuss the problem until he decides to take a short break just after getting home, and then do chores before homework.
The results: All the children tested different schedules, simply because they could. In the end, Alexander chose to do chores, then homework, and then reading. The other two chose to return to their original schedule after a time. The solution was fair because all the children were allowed to change their schedules, not just Alexander. The children gained experience in how to organize their own lives in a way that was productive and consistent with their own work style, but the parents were still able to uphold the standards they held for their family.
